Meesh


Throughout my younger years, I never knew what the word 'gay' meant or honestly even meant. All of my friends in school would be constantly talking about boys and who they liked, etc. I always felt as though I was missed something because although I would try to talk about boys and lie about fancying them at school, I honestly had 0 interest and this got worse over time because eventually my friends would start to become sexually active with boys. Due to my friends always talking about boys and now being sexually active, I instantly thought that I had to be like them in order to fit in and that how I was feeling must have been how everyone else really felt deep down, because of this, I convinced myself that I was madly in love with this boy I had known throughout my childhood (we're friends now so it's cool) and I would always trick myself into believing that he was what I wanted.

So anyway, time went on and when I was 16, me and this boy eventually started officially dating and this resulted in my first sexual experience. After this had happened, I thought to myself "that wasn't that great" but I really didn't think too much into it at the time. As time went on however, whenever my boyfriend at the time tried to come onto me, I would always find some sort of excuse as to why we shouldn't have sex and this went on for ages and ages until eventually I began to question my sexuality because I started feeling a pull towards one of my female friends. I told my boyfriend that I thought I might have been bisexual and he simply brushed it off and made me sort of repress how I was feeling.

A year went by, I was 17 and I had just decided to go back to school after being in college for a year. I was still with my boyfriend but things had become rocky and I wasn't happy any longer. I had a friend at the school who had recently come out as gay to all of our other friends and in the end I started to develop feelings for her. I tried to break up with my boyfriend because of this, however I was so afraid of being alone after being with this person for nearly 2 years that I decided not to, this was very unhealthy and unfair to him I know. However, I got invited to this party thrown by some friends and this girl was there, she ended up kissing me and I instantly realized that all this time when I had been kissing boys that this was on a whole other level and it just felt so right.

Straight after this had happened, I rang my boyfriend and told him what had happened & he said "oh that's hot, two girls" and I just said that I wanted to break up because the way he had reacted offended me so much & after this, me and that girl were talking for some time but it never really went anywhere and we just stayed friends. I went home one day and said to my mum, look I think I might be bisexual and she took it unbelievably well and better than I had hoped, I then told my dad and he was also super supportive about it.

One year goes by, I develop this massive crush on a girl I knew at the school who was 2 years below me. We talked a lot for a few months & I was so infatuated with her. We then went to this party because we had the same friends, I went with my best friend at the time (she was also bisexual - to avoid confusion) and anyway, we were playing drinking games outside in the garden & my friend ended up kissing the girl I had a crush on before but she came to me first and asked if it was okay to wish I agreed because I was sick of pining after someone who clearly wanted someone else (my friend). At the same also, I had another crush that no-one really knew about & she was also at the party. This girl had told her friend at the party that she liked me etc, so later on in the night I went and sat by this girl and tried to get to know her a bit better. She ended up telling me to my face that she did genuinely really like me but she was very drunk.

When this girl went home, I stayed awake and spoke to my friends about what had happened and what they thought I should do & they suggested that I ask that girl out and try to talk to her. So the next morning, I messaged her on Facebook and explained to her that reason I did not make a move of any sort at the party was because she was drunk and honestly I was very nervous but that I did like her back so she did not have to worry about that. We then exchanged numbers and started seeing each other for about 2 weeks, after which, I asked her to be my girlfriend and she said yes. This was my first ever girlfriend, so I went home and said to my mum "mum, I've got a girlfriend" to which she said "so, do you think you're still bisexual or a lesbian?" and I said "look, I think I'm a lesbian. I can't see myself with another boy." And that was all good with her.

We were together for 5 months, after this I admittedly took bit really badly and ended up seeking therapy as I was also suffering from extreme social anxiety and could no longer leave my room for some time. Once, I had therapy and started to feel better, I dated this girl I met on tumblr who really helped me figure myself out a lot more. We were only together for a month but we were still friends after that.

Nearly 2 years later, I went to university and became best friends with the boy who lived next door to me, eventually that friendship turned into a relationship which lasted 9 months. I had to come out to my mum once again and explain that I was bisexual and that I had a boyfriend, she was shocked to say the least. However, once that relationship ended and I could assess it better, it was apparent that I mistook what I felt for a close friend as love and it honestly just felt like a friendship but, it really did help me to fully realize my sexuality.

After 2 months, I began seeing a girl I had met before in college back 3 years ago and who I had been seeing at a point between relationships 2 years ago. I came out one final time to my mother as lesbian, who said to me that she'd accept me whoever I decide to be with. Me and this girl have been together even since & it's been a lovely 7 months. I'm sharing my story because I want other people to know that it's okay to not be sure about your sexuality and it's not really anyone's business but your own about who you decide to love. Also, if you're scared of coming out, you will be okay & if someone in your family does not support you. You don't need them in your life. Just be you and be happy.

www.all-that-glitters-are-girls.tumblr.com

#lesbian

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