Remy


I remember how awkward and cringeworthy the entire thing was. I was sitting at the table with my mother, luckily she was alone and no one else within the family was present. No matter how much practice I did, it was still incredibly awkward to talk to her about my sexuality.

While I love her and she loves me, we weren't that close. And I felt a bit silly when trying to explain to her that I'm pansexual. She took it better than I expected. My mother, like most parents would probably do, tried to convince me that it's a phase I'm going through and that it's normal to be attracted to the "same" gender. Ever since that day she's tried to brush it under the rug and ignore it. So not much has changed, which is what I'm grateful for. The only that's really changed is the fact that she's constantly trying to focus my attention onto boys and it kind of seems like she's trying to convince that I'm straight.

Luckily for me I was never in a cloud of heterosexuality and instead liked whoever I liked. It wasn't until recently that I bothered finding the right label for it. So no matter what my parents are going to do, I know who I truly am.

Thankfully my parents allowed me to express myself (to some extent) the way I want to. Recently though, I'm noticing that changing. It happened ever since I told my mother I was trans. Now she's been getting a bit snappy with the way I present myself.

I always tried to disassociate myself with anything 'feminine'. I hated pink, dresses, make-up, dolls, being called princess, and being seen as delicate. I never like being referred to as princess or anything 'girly' because it felt weird being called that. The feeling it gave me made me feel terrible.

Growing up, I always thought it was normal for girls to hate their own body. I hate my boobs, hips, and generally shorter stature. I always thought that every girl felt that way and that it was just part of being a girl. Instead, I've always idealized a more masculine appearance. I wanted the chiseled jaw, handsome face, broad shoulders, and height. For the longest I thought that it was something I would have to just deal with. But I've realized that, this ain't normal for girls to feel.

I, however, fell in love with the androgynous fashion, style, body shape, and loved the idea of altering between masculine, feminine, or neutral pronouns. That when I found out that I'm nonbinary, androgyne to be specific. I do still identify as trans because I want to take testosterone, bind, and such.

I came out to my mom a month or so about my gender. And that confrontation left me bitter and confused. At first it started about us talking about our political views and it slowly went into Transgender rights and such. My mom stated that she believes it's possible to be born in the wrong body. So I took that as a good sign and told her that I'm trans myself.

She thinks that I'm trans binary. That is something I'm grateful for because I know for sure she does not accept anything other than boy or girl. Explaining g the idea of being trans binary was difficult enough that I wasn't going to touch on nonbinary genders. I'm usually more male-aligned anyways, so if she saw me as her son rather than daughter, it was good enough for me.

But when I told her, she was nonchalant about it, until I mentioned that I wanted a binder. Her being a mother, I understand how you would be concerned for my safety. However, she wasn't listening to me and proceeded to over react. She repeatedly state that 'I'm not going to get you a board that's going to fuck up your body and boobs. Because from the sound of it it seems like a board that's going to squish everything'. She refused to listen to me when I explained that it wasn't a board, but rather an article of clothing that works similar to a sports bra and will keep my chest flat.

I then mentioned that I wanted to change my name. That when she got extremely pissed at me. She started to yell at me (more so) and I'm a very emotional person, so I cried. She was yelling that she gave me my name as a gift and that I shouldn't be trying to change what she's done. My mother said 'Why are you putting me through this?' and 'Why are you doing this to me?'

When she noticed me crying, she then started to mock the way I looked and sounded. At some point she asked 'Are you going to kill yourself over a name? It's just a fucking name.'

I told her that I'm not asking for her to change anything, just at least give my school permission to call me by my name and pronouns. But she wasn't having any of it and kept asking me why I'm putting her in this situation.

After that whole situation took place, I will never forget these words she said to me. These words truly shows how she felt about my sexuality and gender.

'I'm more disappointed in you now than I would have been if you told me you were gay.'

Thankfully, she's brushing this under the rug and ignoring it too. I don't plan to mention it to her ever again. I'm going to start my transitioning process once I move out and no longer dependent of them.


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